Out here on my own

I have had difficulty feeling like I fit in with other members in the LDS church because of my "big secret."  The past five years I have struggled with trying to keep the "secret" about the SSA and not feel like I was being dishonest to myself and others.  The few people in my singles ward that I disclosed my SSA to did not react very well and tried to not have the friendship changed, but it changed.  I really don't think it was my perception as the reason the friendship changed.  I did find that I was always questioning people's motives when they would hug everyone that was in the room and exclude me.  It is hard to not think I am being excluded because of the SSA, but admit that it could be because I'm not really a touchy person. 

I went to a fireside on Sunday for members of the LDS church that struggle with SSA but want to remain faithful to the teachings of our Savior Jesus Christ.  I thought I had finally found a group of people that I would fit in with, but that did not happen.  In singles wards there is usually a separation between the men and the women, but usually there is some mingling or at least interest in the opposite sex.  During the fireside there was definitely a separation between the men and the women, but it was even more profound when we were mingling and having refreshments.  The men and women didn't have anything to do with each other.  The group of women that were there talking tried to include me in their circle, but it didn't really work.  I'm not sure why I didn't fit-in and why it felt awkward, but it did.  This is a group of people that I should be able to fit-in with because we share the understanding of guilt and shame for having this "big secret" and not being able to share it with many people.  I'm now feeling more alone than I think I did before I found this group. 

The support system that I thought I had found through this organization that helps LDS member struggling with SSA is not going to be the steady support that I thought it would and could be for me for reason's I think I will discuss at a later date. 

I did have a good session on Monday with my therapist talking about the subtly differences between dating men and women, and have come to the conclusion that dating sucks, regardless of it being a man or a woman.  In some ways it has been more comfortable dating a women, but the hidden rules are different.  For example, how do you know who pays for the date?  Do you wait for her to open the door, or do you get your own door, (which is becoming more common with men and woman).  How do you handle getting a second date, I can't get more than one date with a man or a woman, so that has to be about me.  I also have a similar pattern of picking unhealthy women as I do men.  However, there is more comfort on a blind date with a woman, especially if the expectation before we meet is that I am just looking for friends.  So far the dates have respected that and they have not tried to be physical at all.  So that is something that I haven't had to worry about with a women, like I would on a date with a man.  Those are my ramblings for tonight.