Hard day in trying to follow my values

The timing of the closing of Exodus program last week and this week the Supreme Court decision to allow Gay and Lesbians to marry and the DOMA both were in favor of GLBT individuals in the United States.  Exodus was a program that "helped" Christian people change their sexual orientation.  Most of the LDS people that have SSA issues talk about being able to be in a healthy heterosexual relationship and have the SSA diminish, but rarely does it "go away."  No matter how much fasting, prayer, scripture study, church attendance, faithfully fulfilling church callings, including being a faithful visiting teacher, nothing has gotten rid of my attraction to other females.  There were times in my life when SSA was diminished and rarely was it a temptation; however, the past five years the attraction for other females has hit me like a ton of bricks.  Since I haven't been able to control the SSA I thought I would check out a dating site thinking that the results would be like they were when I tried dating men, unsuccessful.  Well I was wrong.  I have found some friends on the dating site and have gone out on a few dates.  As I am still unsure if I really want to act on my SSA, I have made it clear before the dates that I am just looking for friends.  One date went really well, however, at my age the women want someone that has decided to act on their attraction and not vacillate between the church and being in a relationship with them.  

I have found that dating women are different than dating a man.  Usually it is understood that the man will pay for the date, however, it is not as clear cut on who pays for the date.  The first date I went on, she made it clear to the waitress that we needed separate checks.  She was easy to talk to and it felt very comfortable, unlike being with a man.  With her it was easy because she just took charge and I easily followed her leads.  Because it was understood prior to the date, that this was just a way to explore a new friendship, there was not even a hug at the end of the date.  It is also unclear who calls or emails the person to say thanks and see if there is interest in another "date."  She was not interested.  

The second date I went on, it was difficult to figure out who was in charge, who was going to pay the check and where we were going.  When dating men, sometimes it is unclear who asks who out and where to go, but the other hidden rules are more obvious.  I was waiting for her to contact me again, for another date, as we talked about getting together again, however, she didn't contact me, so I emailed her.  Nothing happened on that "date" because again, it was clear that a friendship is the expectation.  I have also noticed that there are similar patterns with who I choose to date with both males and females.  

The supreme court allowing DOMA and marriage in California between Same Sex couples passed.  It feels like there is no reason to keep things at just a friendship level anymore.  It feels like this is a losing battle and there are less forces helping those of us with SSA, that want to remain faithful to Christ and God's teachings.  This is what I posted on facebook today:  Do you ever feel like you are in the second book of Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers, that evil and darkness is all around you, the forces for good are fighting a losing battle. I feel like that today.

That's all for now.