I have had difficulty feeling like I fit in with other members in the LDS church because of my "big secret." The past five years I have struggled with trying to keep the "secret" about the SSA and not feel like I was being dishonest to myself and others. The few people in my singles ward that I disclosed my SSA to did not react very well and tried to not have the friendship changed, but it changed. I really don't think it was my perception as the reason the friendship changed. I did find that I was always questioning people's motives when they would hug everyone that was in the room and exclude me. It is hard to not think I am being excluded because of the SSA, but admit that it could be because I'm not really a touchy person.
I went to a fireside on Sunday for members of the LDS church that struggle with SSA but want to remain faithful to the teachings of our Savior Jesus Christ. I thought I had finally found a group of people that I would fit in with, but that did not happen. In singles wards there is usually a separation between the men and the women, but usually there is some mingling or at least interest in the opposite sex. During the fireside there was definitely a separation between the men and the women, but it was even more profound when we were mingling and having refreshments. The men and women didn't have anything to do with each other. The group of women that were there talking tried to include me in their circle, but it didn't really work. I'm not sure why I didn't fit-in and why it felt awkward, but it did. This is a group of people that I should be able to fit-in with because we share the understanding of guilt and shame for having this "big secret" and not being able to share it with many people. I'm now feeling more alone than I think I did before I found this group.
The support system that I thought I had found through this organization that helps LDS member struggling with SSA is not going to be the steady support that I thought it would and could be for me for reason's I think I will discuss at a later date.
I did have a good session on Monday with my therapist talking about the subtly differences between dating men and women, and have come to the conclusion that dating sucks, regardless of it being a man or a woman. In some ways it has been more comfortable dating a women, but the hidden rules are different. For example, how do you know who pays for the date? Do you wait for her to open the door, or do you get your own door, (which is becoming more common with men and woman). How do you handle getting a second date, I can't get more than one date with a man or a woman, so that has to be about me. I also have a similar pattern of picking unhealthy women as I do men. However, there is more comfort on a blind date with a woman, especially if the expectation before we meet is that I am just looking for friends. So far the dates have respected that and they have not tried to be physical at all. So that is something that I haven't had to worry about with a women, like I would on a date with a man. Those are my ramblings for tonight.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Hard day in trying to follow my values
The timing of the closing of Exodus program last week and this week the Supreme Court decision to allow Gay and Lesbians to marry and the DOMA both were in favor of GLBT individuals in the United States. Exodus was a program that "helped" Christian people change their sexual orientation. Most of the LDS people that have SSA issues talk about being able to be in a healthy heterosexual relationship and have the SSA diminish, but rarely does it "go away." No matter how much fasting, prayer, scripture study, church attendance, faithfully fulfilling church callings, including being a faithful visiting teacher, nothing has gotten rid of my attraction to other females. There were times in my life when SSA was diminished and rarely was it a temptation; however, the past five years the attraction for other females has hit me like a ton of bricks. Since I haven't been able to control the SSA I thought I would check out a dating site thinking that the results would be like they were when I tried dating men, unsuccessful. Well I was wrong. I have found some friends on the dating site and have gone out on a few dates. As I am still unsure if I really want to act on my SSA, I have made it clear before the dates that I am just looking for friends. One date went really well, however, at my age the women want someone that has decided to act on their attraction and not vacillate between the church and being in a relationship with them.
I have found that dating women are different than dating a man. Usually it is understood that the man will pay for the date, however, it is not as clear cut on who pays for the date. The first date I went on, she made it clear to the waitress that we needed separate checks. She was easy to talk to and it felt very comfortable, unlike being with a man. With her it was easy because she just took charge and I easily followed her leads. Because it was understood prior to the date, that this was just a way to explore a new friendship, there was not even a hug at the end of the date. It is also unclear who calls or emails the person to say thanks and see if there is interest in another "date." She was not interested.
The second date I went on, it was difficult to figure out who was in charge, who was going to pay the check and where we were going. When dating men, sometimes it is unclear who asks who out and where to go, but the other hidden rules are more obvious. I was waiting for her to contact me again, for another date, as we talked about getting together again, however, she didn't contact me, so I emailed her. Nothing happened on that "date" because again, it was clear that a friendship is the expectation. I have also noticed that there are similar patterns with who I choose to date with both males and females.
The supreme court allowing DOMA and marriage in California between Same Sex couples passed. It feels like there is no reason to keep things at just a friendship level anymore. It feels like this is a losing battle and there are less forces helping those of us with SSA, that want to remain faithful to Christ and God's teachings. This is what I posted on facebook today: Do you ever feel like you are in the second book of Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers, that evil and darkness is all around you, the forces for good are fighting a losing battle. I feel like that today.
That's all for now.
I have found that dating women are different than dating a man. Usually it is understood that the man will pay for the date, however, it is not as clear cut on who pays for the date. The first date I went on, she made it clear to the waitress that we needed separate checks. She was easy to talk to and it felt very comfortable, unlike being with a man. With her it was easy because she just took charge and I easily followed her leads. Because it was understood prior to the date, that this was just a way to explore a new friendship, there was not even a hug at the end of the date. It is also unclear who calls or emails the person to say thanks and see if there is interest in another "date." She was not interested.
The second date I went on, it was difficult to figure out who was in charge, who was going to pay the check and where we were going. When dating men, sometimes it is unclear who asks who out and where to go, but the other hidden rules are more obvious. I was waiting for her to contact me again, for another date, as we talked about getting together again, however, she didn't contact me, so I emailed her. Nothing happened on that "date" because again, it was clear that a friendship is the expectation. I have also noticed that there are similar patterns with who I choose to date with both males and females.
The supreme court allowing DOMA and marriage in California between Same Sex couples passed. It feels like there is no reason to keep things at just a friendship level anymore. It feels like this is a losing battle and there are less forces helping those of us with SSA, that want to remain faithful to Christ and God's teachings. This is what I posted on facebook today: Do you ever feel like you are in the second book of Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers, that evil and darkness is all around you, the forces for good are fighting a losing battle. I feel like that today.
That's all for now.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Why am I writing this blog
I am a 47 year old woman that is attracted more to women than men. For the majority of my life I have ignored my desire to be in a physical relationship with a women and am wondering if that was the right decision. There have been times when the SSA was diminished and almost non-existent. However, the past 5 years the desire to be with women has dramatically increased, in part because the loneliness has been profound. I have recently joined a Lesbian dating site looking for new friends, and possibly a relationship. The problem is that I still have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and it will not go away. When I try to go on dates with women, something seems to prevent me from going on dates with women. I am frustrated and don't know if I want to continue to be a faithful member of the LDS church and be lonely for the rest of my life?
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